In preparing for the second draft of our project, we started by going over the script for the first draft to refine the plot. Previously we had only written down the general idea we had behind scene, but in our script analysis, we broke down each scene into the emotional beats & turning points. Though we never wrote down the dialogue line for line, clarifying the beats helped us keep on task when practicing the scenes, though, as the twenty minute draft we filmed today showed, we still have work to do in that apartment. We also need to work on not repeating the same points over and over, instead using each scene to give a slightly different perspective, so that our characters don’t become one note (in particular, I noticed as we were filming that Helen seemed to default to the word “money” when she ran out of points to make); as well as elevating our emotions over the progression of scenes.
Going back to what we have done, another significant improvement we made to this draft was the addition of lighting. I think once we have decided on the definitive starting and ending lines for each scene so that the lighting cues can be more clear, the setup we currently have will be sufficient; they keep the focus on the right sections of the stage, and the red lights that came on as Helen and I were arguing with each other, I felt, heightened the mood. We would like to add some more sound elements for the final draft: specifically, a breaking sound effect for when Helen drops the cup in scene 4 (assuming we keep that scene, which I’ll get back to later), a ringtone for when Helen’s roommate gets called in scene 2, maybe a bell sound like the kind when enetering a small store, and crowd nosies for when Helen is walking around the city in scene 7 (which we could maybe also use in scene 5, when we’re supposed to be in the mall).
Our main concern with our final draft is cutting it down from twenty minutes to 13-15. While, as I already mentioned, tightening up the dialogue should help with that, I could see us cutting a full scene or two altogether to make it short enough. While we initially decided to include the scenes of Helen at her job to display her drive for working, the customer character isn’t as well-woven into the main plot as I’d like to be, and spending the extra time to make that happen would only lengthen the work. So we may end up cutting the shop scenes to keep the focus on Helen and her roommate, though we still need to emphasize how important work is to her.
